A great thing about beginning a new year is that it provides a marker, a starting line for changing what has been into what can be. So the idea of making a New Year resolution is a good one. It’s a great time to begin that exercise program, quit smoking (or quit whatever), to begin to lose (or gain) weight, etc. Each year thousands if not millions of people resolve to make changes, and they do—for a time. But in the long run, things return to the way they were, and they say to themselves (and maybe to others), “I’m just not disciplined enough,” or “I’m weak-willed.” If only that were true, but it is not. In fact, they are so disciplined that no plan will get in the way of their return to their old behaviors. For many years I worked with those who had substance use disorders. They often believed they were weak-willed but admitted that once they decided they were going to drink or get high, nothing was going to stand in their way. So if it’s not lack of discipline or weakness of will, what is it that makes keeping New Year resolutions nearly impossible for most people? The problem has to do with conflict of interests.
I want to change. But I’m not congruent in that desire. There’s a “part of me” does not want to change. I have an internal conflict and the part that wants to stay the same has been in charge for some time and is not going to easily relinquish control.
In addition, the old behavior provided something important to me, has done it well, and has done it for a long time. Now, with this resolution, I’m trying to take its job away and lose the important benefit it has provided.
Think about this: How do you respond when someone tries to prevent you from having something you consider to be important? My guess is that you put up some kind of fight, especially if you’re the one with power in the relationship. That’s exactly what the part that doesn’t want to change does. It resists your wanting to eliminate its job. And it continues to have power in this particular area of your life, as most of us have experienced.
The “trick” to changing behaviors is to first discover the positive benefits of the current behavior. This is not always easy and sometimes requires a guide to help make the discovery. The most obvious benefit is rarely the real one. Next, get those benefits met in a new and better way. Then replace the old behavior with the new behaviors. Only when this is accomplished can real and permanent change be made. If you never address the “why do I do what I do” issue, it’s very unlikely that significant and permanent change can be made.
